“This Yo Fave, Tho?” A Series of Irreverent Reviews of Classic Movies

I have a very poor attention span. This means I don’t watch a lot of movies in my free time. Instead, I spend my weekends watching Law and Order: SVU marathons. My family doesn’t approve of this, to the point my mom has given me an essential list of all the modern “classic movies” I need to watch. Take a look at this:

A wrinkled list of movies written in cursive

 

Notice how there are no Disney animated films on there. In my opinion those are the only ones that count and I have that category covered, thank you very much. I don’t respond well to shaming, but every once and a while I give in and watch something and find out it’s actually good. But in general, though…

So far, these movies have made it into the “tentative approval” column:

● The Silence of the Lambs (the transmisogyny was ridiculous, and combined with the gore, I never have to see this one again, but I understand why it’s considered “classic” in terms of tension, acting, cinematography, etc.)

● Boomerang (Not a fan of romcoms in general and could’ve definitely done without the tr*nny joke at the beginning, but it’s by far one of the better ones I’ve seen)

● Trading Places

● Coming to America (I LOL’d, but I couldn’t help but imagine our family from the continent rolling their eyes at the portrayal of Zamunda)

● Memento (Standard Christopher Nolan mindfuck, I approve)

● One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

● The Shawshank Redemption

● The original Star Wars trilogy (Han Solo is an irreverent asshole, of course I love him)

● The Lord of the Rings trilogy (h/t to Keri for making me watch the extended cuts and tolerating me coming up with alternate names like Burberry, Cover Girl, Versace, and Gucci for all the characters)

● Kill Bill

● The Departed and Internal Affairs (original Hong Kong film)

● Dirty Dancing

● Titanic (Jack could’ve fit on that damn door, fight me)

● Children of Men

● The Dark Knight

● Malcolm X (It’s been so long I honestly can’t remember if I finished this movie. All I remember is “get your hand out my pocket!”)

● Boyz N The Hood

● Do the Right Thing

● Good Will Hunting

 

These movies were hot flaming garbage:

● The Shining

● Pulp Fiction

● Poetic Justice

● Forrest Gump

● You’ve Got Mail (romcoms, remember)

● Office Space

The Notebook

 

These movies were DNF (did not finish):

● The Color Purple (Capital ‘S’ Struggle movie! NOAP.)

● The Matrix

● Friday (Once I realized I’d spent the first ten minutes listening to poop and fart jokes, I was out.)

● Jurassic Park (Again, it’s been so long I can’t remember. I’ve definitely seen parts of it.)

 

These were “meh”:

● Groundhog Day

● Fargo

● Blazing Saddles

 

Movies I won’t watch:

(and/or can’t rate because I already know the big plot twist or it’s been referenced so often in pop culture that I feel like I’ve seen it a million times already anyway)

● The Sixth Sense

● The Usual Suspects

● Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

● Back to the Future

 

Over the next few weeks/months/years, I’ll try to watch at least one “classic” movie a month and give my unwanted, likely dismissive opinion of your faves, because your faves are probably trash. There are a few ground rules, though — I don’t watch horror movies, movies with graphic sexual violence, or “struggle” movies. “Struggle movies” is how I define movies that are predicated on the sensationalized (or otherwise graphic) oppression of a marginalized group: Black people, Black women, LGBTQ people, religious minorities, etc. There are levels to this but it’s a “I know it when I see it” situation. I’m not watching any slavery or Jim Crow movies, even if it was directed/written by a Black person. Sorry. I also probably won’t watch anything created before 1970 because I’m a snob and poor production values are hard for me to ignore.

What classic movie do you think is a must-watch? Leave a comment below.

Posted in Movie Reviews, Personal Experience Tagged

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